I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
