Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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