Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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