Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
