My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
