Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
