You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
