i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
