so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
