god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
