WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
