He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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