Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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