idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
