So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
