I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
