mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
