I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
