just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
