my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
