Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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