I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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