I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
we should paint friendship bongs
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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