i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drake has all the answers
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
