My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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