My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
