mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
