fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Holy shit dude........stairs
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