i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
