She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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