You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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