Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
