Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just invented taco cereal.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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