i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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