After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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