I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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