But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
