Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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