i was born a porn star she said
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
