someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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