No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
