I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
