everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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