You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
