im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
