I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
