even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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