wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
