There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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