Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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