She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
