I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
