maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
