I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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