also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
