A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
