I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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