I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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