marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
