Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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