i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
