i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
