Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
