I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
