You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
