Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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